In the past 4 years since we adopted our son we have experienced such a huge range of emotions from wanting to run away kicking and screaming to pure unadulterated unconditional love for him. Any one of my friends can tell you depending upon the day (or sometimes minute by minute) you never know who you're going to get when speaking with me....you may be speaking to a frazzled, stressed out, shell of a Mom or a strong determined mama-bear Mom or even maybe a heartbroken "how do I reach him?" Mom. It's enough to make anyone feel absolutely insane.
For those of you who stick by me and my family; Thank you for not judging us, even though you may not fully understand what we experience, you stand by us and crack jokes, make us laugh, and allow us to "get out of our heads" for a bit. I appreciate each and every one of you, although sadly there are far fewer of you in the days since we accepted this crazy calling. I love and cherish you!!!
For those of you who have walked away; We forgive you, even understand why you felt the need to walk away. We have sometimes thought about it ourselves. We aren't "the friends you used to know". We are much less worried about what you or others think of us and no longer care about most opinions on how we should or should not interact with our son.
I'm not trying to sound harsh or spiteful, really just the opposite. There is a great freedom in learning your own value. We (Jim and I as therapeutic parents) have been trained by some of the best and have come to understand that the very best of parents and professionals alike are sometimes at a complete loss when dealing with children with trauma.
Jim and I thought when we started out on this calling that we were 'prepared" for whatever this adoption could throw at us. We were wrong, extremely wrong. We never expected that we would be walking on eggshells constantly never knowing what the day ahead holds for us. We certainly did not expect that the bio family that he had been removed from would enter in the picture and work against us in every way possible. We never expected that we would lose neighbors, friends, and countless others to constant manipulation and splitting. We never expected that our church (not our current church) would no longer want us when we didn't have anything left to pour out on others. Finally we did not expect that our child would resent us and reject all our efforts to reach out to him (well maybe we did, but not to such an extreme).
I don't want or need to share everything on such a public forum, but for those who feel that this is "normal teenage stuff" please be assured it is not. We have 5 wonderful children, and we know "normal teenage stuff". This is extreme. I cannot even begin to explain it to someone who has not experienced the rage or anxiety of a child who has endured so much trauma; so again, I am not even going to try, but please do understand that while you see a "great kid" and tell us "he never gave me any problem when he was over here" that he reserves his behaviors for his family. Sadly this is something I wish more people understood. Even in settings where he remained for years, these behaviors rarely surfaced because with Trauma and Reactive Attachment Disorder, the reaction only comes when there is a feeling of permanency. Casual relationships are his bailiwick. He IS a wonderful kid and can be charming and very personable. He can also be so filled with anger and anxiety that he wants us "to hurt as bad as he hurts". (Those are his words when asked by his therapist why he can accept a "no" from others but not his parents.) I can tell you after 12 years of abuse and trauma, he hurts pretty bad and he can inflict every bit of that pain.
My son is returning home soon after a year of being in a Residential Center. I like to say we are cautiously optimistic, but truth be told we are overwhelmed and nervous. I write this in hopes that you reading this will begin to understand and if you see us or any other Adoptive\Foster family with these same issues that you refrain from judgement and instead try reaching out to us. We are tired, lonely, frazzled, overwhelmed and could really use support. You don't need to understand, and unless you've been there you will not understand. Please just listen and accept that we are struggling.
I can tell you that through all of this We have found our purpose. I have become stronger, and I have learned so much. I have learned that pleasing others is overrated and exhausting. I have learned that my husband IS my best friend. I have learned that God alone can heal my son's hurts and He alone can save him. I have learned that I don't have to fix him; I am free to love him unconditionally. I have learned that listening is far better than offering advise (boy I wish I knew that sooner and I offer a sincere apology to the many I have tried to fix). I have learned that a cup of coffee (or something stronger, lol) with a friend is one of the best treasures in the world. I have learned that having a few supportive friends is much better than having many non-committed ones.
Below I have posted links to three blogs that I have recently read that encouraged me in that we are not alone. By reading these testimonies I found a sisterhood in these fellow Trauma Mamma's. I would encourage you if you know and love a family touched by adoption or foster care that you take the time to read these. Be aware that these are extreme cases and by no means does every adoptive family experience this. All Adoptive\Foster children experience loss and grief. Please feel free to extend your love and grace to them but first and foremost support the family as a whole.
http://outofshemind.com/2015/01/dear-adoptive-parents-hard-lonely-road/
https://bringinganahome.wordpress.com/2015/01/12/mission-safe-sofija-adoption-is-a-horse/?blogsub=confirmed#blog_subscription-3
https://drgrcevich.wordpress.com/2015/01/20/please-dont-say-all-kids-do-that-to-adoptive-and-foster-families/
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