Our Adoption Journey pt. 2

Disclaimer:   This is not Anti-Adoption and by no means a reflection of all adoptions or even a majority of them.  Adoption even under these circumstances is a beautiful reflection of restorative love of Christ. This is my journey and I would not trade my journey for the world.
     
       In the past 4 years since we adopted our son we have experienced such a huge range of emotions from wanting to run away kicking and screaming to pure unadulterated unconditional love for him.  Any one of my friends can tell you depending upon the day (or sometimes minute by minute) you never know who you're going to get when speaking with me....you may be speaking to a frazzled, stressed out, shell of a Mom or a strong determined mama-bear Mom or even maybe a heartbroken "how do I reach him?" Mom.  It's enough to make anyone feel absolutely insane.
         For those of you who stick by me and my family; Thank you for not judging us, even though you may not fully understand what we  experience, you stand by us and crack jokes, make us laugh, and allow us to "get out of our heads" for a bit.  I appreciate each and every one of you, although sadly there are far fewer of you in the days since we accepted this crazy calling.   I love and cherish you!!!
         For those of you who have walked away; We forgive you, even understand why you felt the need to walk away. We have sometimes thought about it ourselves.   We aren't "the friends you used to know".  We are much less worried about what you or others think of us and no longer care about most opinions on how we should or should not interact with our son.
         I'm not trying to sound harsh or spiteful, really just the opposite.  There is a great freedom in learning your own value.  We (Jim and I as therapeutic parents) have been trained by some of the best and have come to understand that the very best of parents and professionals alike are sometimes at a complete loss when dealing with children with trauma.
         Jim and I thought when we started out on this calling that we were 'prepared" for whatever this adoption could throw at us. We were wrong, extremely wrong. We never expected that we would be walking on eggshells constantly never knowing what the day ahead holds for us. We certainly did not expect that the bio family that he had been removed from would enter in the picture and work against us in every way possible.  We never expected that we would lose neighbors, friends, and countless others to constant manipulation and splitting.  We never expected that our church (not our current church) would no longer want us when we didn't have anything left to pour out on others.  Finally we did not expect that our child would resent us and reject all our efforts to reach out to him (well maybe we did, but not to such an extreme).
          I don't want or need to share everything on such a public forum, but for those who feel that this is "normal teenage stuff" please be assured it is not.  We have 5 wonderful children, and we know "normal teenage stuff". This is extreme.  I cannot even begin to explain it to someone who has not experienced the rage or anxiety of a child who has endured so much trauma; so again, I am not even going to try, but please do understand that while you see a "great kid" and tell us "he never gave me any problem when he was over here" that he reserves his behaviors for his family.   Sadly this is something I wish more people understood.  Even in settings where he remained for years, these behaviors rarely surfaced because with  Trauma and Reactive Attachment Disorder, the reaction only comes when there is a feeling of permanency.  Casual relationships are his bailiwick.  He IS a wonderful kid and can be charming and very personable.   He can also be so filled with anger and anxiety that he wants us "to hurt as bad as he hurts".   (Those are his words when asked by his therapist why he can accept a "no" from others but not his parents.)   I can tell you after 12 years of abuse and trauma,  he hurts pretty bad and he can inflict every bit of that pain.
     My son is returning home soon after a year of being in a Residential Center.   I like to say we are cautiously optimistic, but truth be told we are overwhelmed and nervous.  I write this in hopes that you reading this will begin to understand and if you see us or any other Adoptive\Foster family with these same issues that you refrain from judgement and instead try reaching out to us.  We are tired, lonely, frazzled, overwhelmed and could really use support.  You don't need to understand, and unless you've been there you will not understand.  Please just listen and accept that we are struggling.
      I can tell you that through all of this We have found our purpose.  I have become stronger, and I have learned so much.   I have learned that pleasing others is overrated and exhausting. I have learned that my husband IS my best friend.  I have learned that God alone can heal my son's hurts and He  alone can save him.  I have learned that I don't have to fix him; I am free to love him unconditionally.  I have learned that listening is far better than offering advise (boy I wish I knew that sooner and I offer a sincere apology to the many I have tried to fix).   I have learned that a cup of coffee (or something stronger, lol) with a friend is one of the best treasures in the world.  I have learned that having a few supportive friends is much better than having many non-committed ones.
         Below I have posted links to three blogs that I have recently read that encouraged me in that we are not alone.  By reading these testimonies I found a sisterhood in these fellow Trauma Mamma's.  I would encourage you if you know and love a family touched by adoption or foster care that you take the time to read these.  Be aware that these are extreme cases and by no means does every adoptive family experience this.  All Adoptive\Foster children experience loss and grief.  Please feel free to extend your love and grace to them but first and foremost support the family as a whole.

       
http://outofshemind.com/2015/01/dear-adoptive-parents-hard-lonely-road/

https://bringinganahome.wordpress.com/2015/01/12/mission-safe-sofija-adoption-is-a-horse/?blogsub=confirmed#blog_subscription-3

https://drgrcevich.wordpress.com/2015/01/20/please-dont-say-all-kids-do-that-to-adoptive-and-foster-families/

An open letter to the woman who approached me in Spencer's.

Dear Miss,
    Thank you so much for offering to pray with me and I sincerely thank you for your heart for evangelism. There are, however, a couple of things I would like to point out:  I'm not sure that you know me well enough to pray that I "make better choices" or that I "become more concerned with the example I set" or that you should be so shocked that I said I DID in fact know Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  You have no idea that I was just picking up a small 60th birthday gag gift for my boss or that I had passed over the less appropriate gifts in favor of one more tasteful.  You also do not know that I used this experience to have a discussion with my adult daughter about how calling ourselves by demeaning names shows a lack of respect for ourselves and that we are princesses of the Most High.  You seemed more concerned that I would have my daughter in such a place as "gasp" Spencer's.
   Instead of casting your judgement upon me based upon your 5 seconds of getting to know me, might I suggest you pray about what you DO know about me.  I am wholly loved by a glorious God!!  I am no longer under condemnation but I have been set FREE by a Savior who gave His very life for ME!  That I am chosen and accepted.  This you know for sure yet you made no mention.
    What you also may not know is that the sales clerk who cheerfully greeted me as I walked in the store witnessed this whole exchange. I can only assume that her subsequent brush off and indignant behavior towards me was as a result of what she saw.  At this point if I had discovered she did not know God, any chance I may have had to witness to her about the AMAZING love God has for her was quickly extinguished. She witnessed your condemnation of my choice of stores and her place of employment.   If I am to be condemned for shopping there what did that say about her?   She will not know that God cares more about her than she can ever imagine.  She would not hear of His great love for her.  She may even believe that there is no place for her in His kingdom.  Instead she may harden her heart just a little more, dig in a little deeper, and continue to live her life as one who does not know the restorative unconditional love of God.
    Next time I hope you would consider praying Gods love over someone rather than your condemnation. "For God so loved THE WORLD!!!!!" - this means YOU!  I pray you experience to the fullest His love for you and that it overflows onto everyone you meet!
  God bless you!  Sincerely!!!!
 

  ****Disclaimer*****
My comments regarding the ability to witness to someone after they've experienced condemnation was a blanket statement and not a statement on any particular persons beliefs.

Is love enough?

Last week on my 25^th anniversary Jim and I had the opportunity once again to speak on our adoption and therapeutic parenting techniques we have learned at the MAP Class panel night.    I had someone in the adoption community upon hearing that it was our anniversary ask me "What is the secret to a successful marriage?"  After reflecting for a moment on the conversations that had just taken place, I answered “the same thing it takes to have a successful adoption.”  I have been reflecting upon that a lot since. 

We marry, we adopt, we have children….all because we love and feel we have enough love to share but what happens when that love is not enough?  What about those times when you still love, but you hurt even more?   What about when our love is not returned?  How do we continue?

My husband and I are blessed to have each other, but it would be a complete lie to say that our love conquers all our insecurities, faults, and hurts.   There are times I liken it to two porcupines trying to hug.  The love is there, but we just poke holes all through each other.  Our hurts get in the way, they cause more hurts, they can even cause complete devastation if we allow them to fester. 

My son came to us after 11 years of hurts.  Much like an infant, his every thought is self-motivated.   His thoughts, his actions, and his conversations are all about how he can get what it is he wants.  He manipulates….It’s how he learned to survive.  He does not know how to properly express how he is feeling and many times it comes out in surliness, sometimes anger and sometimes even rage.  It can be hard with a baby and sometimes we feel overwhelmed trying to meet their needs, be understanding but firm with their wants and dealing with their frustration when we don’t know why they're crying.  It becomes even harder with a child who can speak and “should know better”.   The fact is…he doesn’t.  I’m not even sure how aware he is about how self-centered or manipulative he is.   It is just something he has always done.   He is getting better, but for the most part, he is incapable of caring for others outside of himself because he is so used to having to be his complete support system all by himself.   He needed to learn how to self soothe from infancy.  He needed to learn how to detach his emotions from others and focus on the only person he felt he could really depend on. He needed to learn techniques to get the things that he needed or wanted out of others when they did not choose to provide for him.

 “You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord.” Psalm 139:2-4 

Knowing my sons past, makes it possible to understand why he does the things he does.  I can separate my emotion from his actions and choose not take it personally.  I know his hurts cause his behavior and I can be supportive instead of angry. I’m not saying that this is easy. It’s not….It is HARD, especially on the days he is especially moody and angry, and darn near impossible on those days his anger turns to full blown rage.  I have to remind myself of where this is coming from.  I have to forcefully separate my emotion.   I need to rely on other sources to fill any of my needs to be loved and accepted, because he is just not capable.  This keeps me sustained while dealing with his hurts

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”  - Romans 5:8

God’s Love and Ours

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us”  - 1 John 4:7-12

This brings me back to marriage….in my marriage, I do not have the privilege of knowing all of my husband’s past.   I do know that he has a loving family.  I guess that makes it harder sometimes to understand his behavior and I am sure he has a hard time understanding mine.  The principals are the same though.  His hang ups are his….mine are mine.  We try not to take it personally when we lash out at each other and instead give each other “space and grace” until we can come together and talk it out.   I need to depend on God to fulfill my need to be loved and accepted (easy to say…hard to do!).   My husband can help to fulfill those needs but he cannot be the sole or even main provider.  He cannot possibly meet those needs within me that are designed for God Himself.   What I receive from my husband is bonus!  The love and grace I give to my husband and children then is not dependent upon what my husband or child is able to provide me but from what God provides me. Jesus’s example for his bride is a sacrificial love; the kind of love we are to have for our one another.  

So as for the question….Is love enough?  Human love is imperfect; conditional…God’s love is perfect, absolute and unconditional!   If we count upon each other for our source of love, happiness, and acceptance, we are sadly lacking…We can always count upon God’s sustaining grace, love and acceptance!

Cast your cares on the Lord
    and he will sustain you;
he will never let
    the righteous be shaken. -  Psalm 55:22

Powerless

I am the clay and You are the potter. I want You to mold me, to conform to Your hand and yet I continue to stiffen, struggling to maintain shape. It is hard, too hard to keep it all together....I am pushed and pulled in many directions. My desires, thoughts, and fears overtake and manipulate me. I get scared; If I give myself completely over, what will you make of me Lord? Trust does not come easily to me. I believe that You are good and want good things for me...so why Lord, why do I struggle with trusting You? I have no real power...not even to control my own thoughts and actions, yet I continue to pursue You in my own strength - “If I get this right...If I dot all my i's and cross all my t's, I can be close to You.” I continue to believe that my actions have power. Sin separates us...this is true, but in my own strength I do not even have the ability to accomplish my own will much less Yours. I cannot save myself from sin or death. You alone are my Savior! Salvation is your gift to me. Please Father help me to trust. Help me to give my life to You....as You gave Your life for me.

Psalm 40:11-12 (VOICE)

Please, Eternal One, don’t hold back
Your kind ways from me.
I need Your strong love and truth
to stand watch over me and keep me from harm.
Right now I can’t see because I am surrounded by troubles;
my sins and shortcomings have caught up to me,
so I am swimming in darkness.
Like the hairs on my head, there are too many to count,
so my heart deserts me.

Forgiveness

Luke 6:37-38 ^“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.  Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

I must have heard this passage a hundred times and yet somehow I did not allow it to reach me in its entirety until recently.  Oh, I know that I needed to be loving and kind, giving and forgiving, but how about my recent hurts, or those who keep hurting me…over and over?  What about them?

Luke 17:3-4 “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”

So how about the unrepentant?

Matthew 6:14-15 ^“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Whoah!!!

Mark 11:24-25 “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.  And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Forgiveness is a big deal. These are the words of Jesus Himself.  He calls us to forgiveness; but why?  Is it so that those that we forgive can continue to hurt us or others?  Is it so that they can be relieved of our unforgiveness?   Think about it, who are we hurting with our withholding of forgiveness?  Does the offender lose sleep at nights thinking of how we won’t let go of what has transpired?  In most cases, no…they don’t.  Holding on to unforgiveness hardens your heart.  It brings bitterness and it festers.  It hinders our prayers and our relationship with God.   Jesus commands us to forgive, not only for what it does for others but for what it does for us.  It frees us.

When Jesus offered His life for us, it was for the forgiveness of our sins, while we were still sinners.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

He did not withhold His forgiveness from us. He did not condemn us.  He set us free.  As He forgave us…so should we forgive others. 

John 20:21-23 Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.”  And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”

He gave us the authority and power to forgive as He forgave.  Now none of these are new concepts to me, but what was new was the realization of my own unforgiveness and the condition of my heart. When I truly examined myself, and asked for God’s help in revealing what I might be holding on to…I was surprised.  I had thought…oh, I forgave that person long ago, and truly I thought that I had, but whenever something would happen that would trigger thoughts of this person and that particular situation, that old wound would rip right open again.   Holding an account of the wrongs committed against us keeps us from focusing on letting go of the past and moving forward.  The example Jesus gave to us is to forgive, freely, and without keeping track of past wrongs. 

So how does this work when I am so hurt?  How can I forgive someone who hurt me so badly, and if given the chance would do it again? Start small, say the words “I forgive ______.” Pray for them. You may not even mean it at first, but keep trying and don’t give up. Saying I forgive them does not mean that I need to pick up our relationship where we left off.  It does not mean that I drop all my boundaries in regards to that person.  What it means is that I let go of the past.  I let go of my hurt.  When I think of this person and that particular hurt, I think of them with compassion and wish them the same forgiveness that God has shown me.  I pray that they receive healing and deliverance, I pray for God’s mercy upon them.

When hurt comes again…and it will, for we live in a broken world with broken people, I guard my heart.  I choose compassion instead of offense.   I choose love over hate.  I try to picture them as God sees them.  I realize that the true enemy is not the flesh and blood person I see before me, but “the prince of the power of the air”, “the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God.”  I will obey and I will forgive.

Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Finishing Strong

   This week I have to say goodbye (for now) to a truly amazing family.  I first met Amy through a class at church where Jim and I were table leaders.   She explained that her husband (Tom) was in the military and was serving in Iraq. Her 5 boys were in various youth and children's ministries in the church. She had stepped up to be a youth leader in our church and to lead youth life groups.
    In the two years since then Tom  Amy and their children have served in so many ways.  They came like a whirlwind, serving and teaching everyone they met.  They ministered to military families and non-military families.  They gave of themselves to the point of stretching and they grew in those stretches.
    Jim and I had the privilege of getting to know them a bit better more recently.  We were struggling with a few things and felt we needed to be "poured into" by some other couples.  We asked Tom and Amy if we could join their group for a little while.   They gladly agreed.   We got to know them and their amazing heart for God's people.  We watched as they made it all look effortless.
     A few weeks into our joining them, they received word from the Army that Tom was getting transferred.  Tom and Amy immediately formulated their "exit strategy".  Jim and I were proud to be a small part of that.   I remember their concerns about "finishing strong".  They wanted to continue to serve and reach out right up until the day they had to pack up.  They prayed for their boys to adopt the same attitude.
     This past Sunday was their last in our church.  The childrens ministry honored their whole family with a tribute, one that I have not seen the likes of before in our church. Their little Zack led the worship with his favorite worship song and they had all the ministry leaders and youth and children that their family touched say a few words.  They were humbled.  Zack was baptized that day!  Their son Andy was serving.
      Tomorrow they will attend our lifegroup for the last time (which is also partly their old lifegroup).   They will move out on Saturday morning.   As they are packing, they are saying goodbye to friends and still ministering and serving those around them.  They are concerned for their friends they are leaving and even now are making arrangements to see that needs are met.
      I am honored to know such a family and inspired by their commitment to finishing strong!  May we all serve God so completely that we do our very best right up until we "move on".   Tom, Amy, Mitch, Andy, Tim, Zack and Josh, we will miss you and we hope to be able to see you again very soon!

Journey's

So yesterday's lesson was on patience. It really has me thinking today about our journeys. How often have we heard from our kids..."are we there yet?" as we pass mountains and streams and all sorts of beauty. Our children are focused on the destination and get annoyed with the journey. When on foot children often run on ahead to the destination ahead of us missing the trees and flowers along the way. Could this be why God does not often reveal the entire plan He has for us?....He wants us to slow down and take in the beauty of the journey along the way?  He wants us to walk with Him step by step through the journey and take in all He has for us along the path. There is such beauty in the journey, trust God in each step. He is not just at the starting line or waiting at the destination. God walks with us in each moment. Learn to enjoy each moment with God.

Our Adoption Story

It has been over 3 years since Jim and I started the adoption process and now that it is finalized I thought I would share the journey with you and hopefully you can see as we did, that God clearly orchestrated this adoption.

Our decision to adopt a child came from my overwhelming desire to become amissionary in Africa. Jim however did not share this desire. God gave him another vision...one closer to home. Jim taught me that we can either help a bunch of children by doing what we could for each child or we could give one child a whole new world. Not that I want to stop at one child mind you..lol. Now this vision requires a LIFETIME commitment, and there is no stepping down from this role. It is a scary endeavor but one that God clearly placed on both of our hearts.

With this agreement, we started out with the State Adoption Agency, HKI. We had heard that one of the children that we used to babysit from time to time was available for adoption and started this process with him in mind. We attended an orientation and 10 weeks of MAP (model approach to parenting) classes. These classes required that we drop out of a 3 year in depth course that we were attending at church that we both absolutely LOVED. This was a small sacrifice and we really felt God directing us so we happily moved along the adoption path. We were a couple of weeks into the MAP classes when they told us that the child we wanted to adopt had a nephew and that they wanted to be adopted together. We agreed to adopt both boys. The boy we had babysat for had just turned 13 and his nephew was 9. We were so excited at this prospect.

We finished the MAP class and had eagerly awaited the next step…The Home Study. During the wait there were background checks, references and multitudes of paperwork to be completed. We had gone into this with our hearts and home wide open when we hit our first stumbling block. Our background check came back and we were denied. To explain this I have to let you know that before havoing a personal relationship with Christ, our family life was chaotic. We had an incident when one of our kids was younger in which I spanked my child with a belt. I am not proud that I had resorted to this, but at the time I was at a loss for what to do and spanking was what we were taught to do with a willful child. My son told the school counselor, and she called DCF. The Investigator from DCF made his own allegations and we had our son removed from our home for a weekend until he saw a forensic doctor. The doctor had cleared us of all abuse allegations or so we thought. We didn’t know until this FBI screening that although I had never been charged with anything, I hadn’t been fully cleared either. Because there was an abuse allegation we were flat out ineligible.

We were told that we could appeal through the Adoption Review Committee, however, that was a long and drawn out process and the outcome was almost never favorable. We asked God, and again felt strongly the urge to continue so we decided to appeal. We went to Pre-ARC (Adoption Review Committee) and through much debate they allowed us to continue but on a very guarded basis. It would be up to the boy’s case manager to meet us and decide and up to our Home Study, after which we would have to come back for a full blown ARC before we were allowed to see the boys. The Security Director (that’s at least who I was told he was) eyed us as if we were Satan himself during the
Pre-ARC. We couldn’t understand their “anger” towards us; certainly we weren’t the first parents that had spanked their child. After the Pre-ARC we were handed what the initial investigators allegations were, the first time we had ever seen them. He accused us of battery, he documented over 50 scars and bruises, including “cigarette burns”. We didn’t even smoke! I then recalled the school resource officer speaking with Jim and I back when this happened. He told us that the DCF worker was making some wild accusations and that he had taken his own pictures because he did not agree with his findings. The sad part is that since this never went anywhere…there was no way to clear my name…we just had to get them to know us, as we are. In the middle of all of this, our case manager decided to quit and pursue missionary work in Africa (kind of ironic). We were left with no one to handle our case in this difficult time. We were pushed to the bottom of the barrel.

Months went by. We had no contact and were becoming quite frustrated. No one was returning our calls and we had all but decided to give this up. We then received a phone call out of the blue from a young new case manager who had just received our case. Her name was Nina. She was calling to arrange a meeting. She wanted to meet and get acquainted with us. When she met with us, we realized shortly after she arrived that we knew her. She had been a cheerleader while our son was playing football and was familiar with us as a family. Finally out of what seemed to be a hopeless situation, we saw a glimmer of hope; a door opening. She was arranging our home study and had scheduled it for a Monday morning.

Monday morning came and went and no Nina. She called us later that afternoon to let us know that there had been a major overhaul of the Adoption Care system and she had turned in her notice. She said that once the dust settled we would be assigned a new case manager. Door closed. We were disheartened once again.

More months go by. We get an e-mail from Camelot, the adoption agency. They have taken over all adoptions for Hillsborough County and were arranging a meeting with all prospective adoptive parents so that they could be introduced to their new case managers. We show up at the meeting with about 150 others to learn that they have 3 case managers for all of Hillsborough County and have divided us up equally amongst them. We met our new case manager who immediately told us that she was still carrying her old caseload and wouldn’t even begin to look at her new cases until after she was able to complete transitioning her hold cases which could take up to 3 months.
We spoke with the supervisor….because ours was “such a difficult case” we were low priority. More months go by. This time we continued to call and request our home study. I guess we got through to them because they contracted a 3rd party to complete the home study for us. They approved us pending the findings of the ARC. So now we get to schedule the ARC; a step forward.

We schedule the ARC. We asked our son to come with us to answer to the allegations that the investigator made. We were told that they would probably not allow him to speak as they had only recently started allowing the parents themselves into the ARC meetings, but we remained hopeful. We show up at the ARC. Our case manager had scheduled the day off without telling anyone involved in the ARC. The committee called us into the room to tell us that they were re-scheduling because our representation was not there. They only allowed my son in the room because they were dismissing us that day and were not going to speak with us. The person in charge set about the task of re-scheduling. While working out a date, one of the other state representatives in the room asked who we had brought with us. When we explained that it was our son, the one in the allegations; she decided that even though they were re-scheduling she would like to hear what he had to say. My son spoke so eloquently. He explained the whole situation. He told them he had no idea where the investigator had come up with such things. We were and still are so very proud of him! After he spoke, the person running the meeting had continued to re-schedule us when the person who requested my son to speak asked if we could excuse ourselves so that they could discuss it; door opening??? We sat outside for what seemed like an eternity….they called us back in the room. Despite the fact that our representation was not there and they weren’t supposed to speak with us…despite the fact that they weren’t even supposed allow our son in the room…they had cleared us, and not just cleared us for this adoption…they had exonerated us from the allegation, my record restored. I was reminded of how God delivered the Isrealites from Egypt. He deliverd them COMPLETELY.... He did not just remove them from the situation...he removed the situation.

A few days after this meeting we were told that the older boy, the one we had babysat for in the past, had decided he did not want to be adopted. They had separated the two boys in the system and had decided to adopt them out separately. They asked if we wished to proceed with Yohance. We agreed. We were officially “matched”. After match came the disclosure. We heard the whole truth behind the boys past. For our son, 10 placements in 7 years, 2 failed attempts at adoption, some serious stuff. The state had all but given up on finding him a “Forever Family”. We were told by someone familiar with him that “you don’t want to adopt that kid.” Right then and there we knew he needed US. There is NO SUCH THING AS A THROW AWAY KID!! He needed a family that had been through the
ringer and still came out loving; a family that could show him the unconditional love that God has for him. Still he had some history and was living in a group home. Group home to adoption home, we have been told, is by far the hardest transition for a child. In a group home they concentrate on maintaining a child’s behavior. There is not a loving family environment. No hugs or kisses. No unconditional anything. Children are institutionalized.

We met Yohance at the group homes annual Christmas Pageant. He did not know who we were to him. His staff had explained that we were “friends” and they asked him to show us around. By chance his uncle, the boy we babysat for, was there. He recognized us. We sat with the two of them and ate some of the refreshments while talking. We found out that Yohance liked Air Jordan and we arranged to bring him some Christmas presents. We bought him some gifts and brought them back the following week.

The first few visits were rocky. They were on campus and supervised by Yohance’s student intern therapist. The therapist was convinced that Yohance was doing well in the group home and that he was “not ready” for adoptive placement. He had worked with his supervisor to try to override the normal state policy of 3 supervised on campus visits to extend them out over 16 weeks with family therapy. We were furious. Yohance obviously hated these visits and was extremely uncomfortable being closed in a room with 3 adults staring at him expecting him to bond. We knew our only chance to bond would be to get him out and have some fun with him. The group home fought us. I contacted our local congresswoman’s office, but I think Yohance’s case manager got to them first. I am not sure exactly what happened next, but the group home suddenly reconsidered their plan and decided it was in there best interest not to provide family therapy and we could continue with the State’s plan.

We had our 3 on campus visits, and our off campus supervised visit. On the off campus visit Yohance and his case manager and his family met us at MOSI. After a few hours Yohance wanted us to take him by himself somewhere. The case manager agreed and we took him to the mall. We bought him some things for his skateboard and took him to dinner at Crazy Buffet. Now by normal state practice we would have only needed to have a couple of these visits and an overnight and then he could come home with us, but because he had so many placements and had such a hard time trusting we agreed with the state to take our time.

We continued to visit with him picking him up every Friday and returning him every Sunday. We had him every holiday and had him over spring break. At first he did not trust us. He did not make eye contact and was in it for everything he could get. He was not sure he wanted to stay and if we did not meet his every demand he would threaten us with “I won’t come back next week.” We would ignore his threat and he would call us by Wed. wanting to know when we were coming to get him. The whole time we were fighting an uphill battle with his counselor at the group home who was still convinced that they were the better solution for our son. I can recall many a heated phone conversation. They would not share information with us, and we were very frustrated trying to control the behaviors without their support.

Sylvia Thomas Center stepped in. They told us of some funding that was available to us to help with transition. The state contracted for a behavioral analyst. We scheduled our first visit with him shortly after spring break.

During spring break Jim’s mom was visiting so we decided to take her and the kids to a resort in Orlando near Downtown Disney. I think we tried to do too much too soon. Yohance behaved terribly. We ended the trip early just so we could get him home and stable. When we returned home we had a total meltdown. It was bad. We could see him spiraling out of control and there was nothing we could do to stop it. He was convinced we did not want him. We were overwhelmed. We showed up at the Sylvia Thomas Center with him in tow. I was in tears. Sharon, a counselor there, talked to us and let us know it was all going to be okay. She gave us comfort and asked us to bring him to the picnic they were having later that afternoon so we could get a break. We took him home to change clothes. He melted down again. He refused to go anywhere. . He packed his stuff several times. He screamed and threatened. He blew up and threw things. He wanted to call his case manager so we handed him the phone.  His case manager came immediately over. At this point we weren’t sure if we could continue. After talking for a bit we decided to let his case manager take him for a few hours while we got some rest. When he brought him back, Yohance was noticeably scared. We could see that he so wanted to stay, but he just knew we didn’t want him. We asked his case manager to leave him with us. The rest of the week was like a minefield, we all tiptoed around each other just trying to keep from setting him off. I am sure when we returned him that Sunday he thought we would never come back. We did, the very next weekend.

During this time, the Sylvia Thomas Center continued to provide support for Jim and I. I remember telling Kevin, another counselor there, that I was not sure if we could do this…If we were the right parents for Yohance. I’ll never forget what he said…You CAN do this. You HAVE TO. There IS NO ONE ELSE. It is okay to make mistakes….I give you permission. He told me that God would see us through…..He quoted scripture…James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

The Behavioral Analyst came. It went so well. He was a Christian and a wonderful counselor. He also gave us James 1:27. He gave us some pointers and let us know what we could be doing better. He worked with us and Yohance and gave us all some tools that we still use with him today. The visits got much better. We passed the test. We did not abandon Yohance.

We continued on like this until June 10th when he moved in with us permanently. We had only had one or two minor incidents during this time. We came to love him more and more each day and we could tell he loves us back. Once he moved in with us he had to remain with us for 90 days until we could finalize the adoption. During these 90 days, his demeanor changed so much. He was happier, he was more confident, he was loved…unconditionally.

The finalization took place Sept. 12th. Yohance is now 11. We are now his “Forever Family” and he is our son. We could not be happier! I also want to add that the day after our finalization, the 3 year course that we had to drop out of started over again. We are picking up right where we left off J. ALL GLORY BE TO GOD!!!!

May 2nd

I was nervous yesterday....flying into DC the day after it was announced that Osama had been killed and everyone talking about heightened security in fear of retaliation. I got to see this security first hand in the airports and on the streets here in DC. It sure didnt help that I was walking into a less than ideal situation with less than 3 hours sleep and was prepared for the worst.
I say all this to testify to how great our God is. He showed up for me in big ways yesterday.
 I was rushing to the airport and had to stop at Kinkos on the way. The clerk processed my job in less than 5 minutes. (that never happens). This was great because when I got to the airport the security line wrapped around two trams! I got though to board in plenty of time :). The flight was quick and uneventful and we even arrived 20 minutes early!
My car was waiting (thanks Sandra). I got through DC with little traffic and arrived at my destination more than an hour early. No traffic in DC is unheard of! I had plenty of time to accomplish what I needed to get done and training went well which again was a blessing because it could have gone so badly.
After my workday I  headed to my hotel. My client booked me in what they thought was the Hilton Homewood suites...it actually turned out to be a Homestead Suites on the same road. When I got there they didnt have the room I requested so i called hotels.com and I received a full refund (this was against their policy but they granted it because the hotel called them to say if they didnt charge me they wouldnt charge them.) This was great because I could not have stayed there...it was NASTY.
This left me with no hotel room. I stayed on the phone with a wonderful man named Carlos from Hotels.com while he searched for a room. All the hotels he checked were either way to pricey or were booked solid. After about an hour my phone was dying so i said goodbye and thank you to Carlos as he wished me luck.
With no access to a phone or Internet, I decided to drive around from hotel to hotel. Unfortunately I didnt have any luck there either.
I had almost resigned myself to sleeping in the car and started praying. Just then I happened upon a Panera that was boasting free Internet. I went in and each booth had its own outlet, so I plugged in my laptop. Within moments I found a hotel..a nice one and in the right price range. When I arrived I found it was only 4 miles from where I am working! I got a good nights sleep and the day ended very well. God is so very very good to me!!

Outside-in

From the outside,

I can see clearly

I can judge the situation

I can tell right and wrong…

Just let me show you.

On the inside,

My view is obscured,

My judgment is cloudy

I can no longer see right and wrong…

Just let me hold you.

My Thoughts on a Godly Marriage

 Recently in conversation the topic of a women’s role and man’s role in a Christian household has come up several times.  Men and women understandably have very different views on this topic. After years of media and society undermining mans role, Christian men are taking a stance.  While I whole-heartedly support my Christian Brethren I have witnessed in some cases it is being taken to the opposite extreme instead of seeking balance causing feelings of oppression and rebellion.

   I recognize my husband as my covering and absolutely love this.  I love when he steps up to make godly decisions for our family. The struggle comes when women begin feeling oppressed by this assertion and begin to become resentful of their husbands authority and in some cases rebel against it.   Oppression almost always breeds rebellion. Wives must recognize that feeling of oppression and guard themselves against it.  Now as I mentioned above, I am not saying that some of these feelings are not entirely unwarranted.   Just as women should to recognize that their husband is their spiritual covering, men should recognize that this authority comes with great responsibility.  Men need to recognize that their wife needs to feel secure under their covering.  Their covering over us is only as good as their willingness to follow Christ.  For example….if you are holding an umbrella for your wife, but you have holes in your umbrella (caused by allowing corrosive materials under that covering) ….you BOTH are going to get wet.

“Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11)

   As we strive to mature spiritually we as women can sometimes feel oppressed when we rightly or wrongly view our husbands as not striving on the same level or succumbing to sin. Scripture states that we are to win our husbands over with our submission.  Their conviction comes in your submission.  Our job as their “ezer kenegdo*” is to continue to bless them and pray for them and to work alongside of them.  We should NOT challenge them and their role in our lives.

 “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of the wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Peter 3:1-2).

   

     We are equal partners in this struggle with equally important roles.  My prayer is that we learn to accept what each of us brings to the table and that we allow the beauty of God’s plan for marriage to emanate from our lives.  Through our willingness to submit to God and one another, we show the world God’s true glory!

[Instructions for Christian Households] “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)

  

* “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen. 2:18 Alter). 

The Hebrew word ezer meaning "to rescue, to save," "to be strong.".  The Hebrew word kenegdo meaning “corresponding to”, “counterpart to”, “equal to”, “matching”.

Family

Friday night I was watching a move that made me ponder what is commonly considered true family.  We have the family of course that we were born into, we have the family that we marry into and we also have the family that we choose and that chooses us.

Legally, our family is considered blood relatives, legal adoptions and those we marry, however, in the bible the body of believers is often referred to as the “family” of believers.   We are referred to as God’s children, and the brothers and sisters of Jesus.

Hebrews 2:11 (NIV) “Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family, so Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.”

Are these family ties any less than the families we are born into?  I started to wonder if that if I truly believe that “blood is thicker than water” and treat my spiritual family without the same regard as my physical family am I missing out on my inheritance?

In Genesis God tells Abram to leave his mother and father to follow Him.  He tells Abram that all the people of the world will be blessed through him.

Genesis 12:1- 3 (NIV) “The LORD had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”

From this promise, the Hebrews consider themselves children (the physical descendants) of Abraham; The chosen people of God.

Through Jesus we have been adopted into the family.

Ephesians 1:3-6 (The Message) How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.

It was by His design that by faith in Christ Jesus we became His children….

Romans 9:6-8 (NIV) “It is not as though God’s word had failed. For not all who are descended from Israel are Israel. Nor because they are his descendants are they all Abraham’s children. On the contrary, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.” In other words, it is not the children by physical descent who are God’s children, but it is the children of the promise who are regarded as Abraham’s offspring.”

Galatians 3:7-9 (NIV) “Understand, then, that those who have faith are children of Abraham. Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, and announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you.” So those who rely on faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith. “

Now in our blood families, we have those that we get along with, and those that we don’t, but because of blood ties we forgive each other.  We feel the need to forgive them…..We feel the need to love them unconditionally.  Why then do we not feel this with our chosen family?

I am not saying that we condone each others bad behavior,  but we try to remain understanding and love them regardless.  When our children make poor choices, we are disappointed, but do we stop loving them? By no means!  Why then is our love for our brothers and sisters in Christ so conditional, so legalistic?  Why do we not show the same measure of forgiveness?

God holds no greater respect for one person over another in His family.  He loves us all and gives us all the same opportunity and grace.

Romans 3:22 - 24 (NIV) “This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

During the holiday seasons we all endure family get-together’s with that one gossipy aunt or one uncle who drinks a little too much and gets a little too flirty, but we enjoy ourselves and have a good time with those we love. (Thank you Jamie for this insight)

During this holiday season I challenge those who have strayed away from their brothers and sisters in Christ to show the same acceptance as you would a blood relation.  Come and have fellowship with those you love.  Accept one another “warts and all”.  Understand that we all have our hang-ups and we work through them the best we can.  It is only when we stand together and with God that we can truly overcome.

Revelation 21:7 (NIV) “Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.”

I love my Physical, Adopted, and Chosen family……All the same! <3

The Majestic Courtroom

   I enter the courtroom, before me stands a judge. Not just any judge, the perfect judge. He loves truth and righteousness and despises deceit.
    I realize at once that I know him, and that he knows me….intimately, my innermost thoughts, the darkest depths of my soul. A pitch black cloud of guilt, shame, and fear envelops me. In my fear I think, “Surely he can’t see me in this darkness.  He can’t see the truth. I can hide my guilt from him. I will not confess my guilt.”
    My counselor, whom the court has appointed for me, advises me that the judge already knows the truth, and that the evidence the court has against me is enough to condemn me to death.  The evidence of my life speaks so much louder than my words.
    There is no purpose in this cloud, yet it remains and turns to despair.  My heart breaks.  My soul sinks deep down within me.  Realizing that even in the darkest places I am fully exposed before this judge, my heart cries out “Guilty”.  My soul grieves for the loss of righteousness and I am truly repentant.
     The couselor steaks a claim in my repentance by standing with me and assuring me that he will continue to be with me to counsel me. He reminds me of the innocent man that came before me. This man has already served sentence for my actions. The court has been satisfied. The debt for my actions  has been paid.

   The counselor disperses the pitch black cloud bringing me fully into the light, He asks me to put on the clothes of the man who sacrificed for me and he presents my brokenness before the most honorable judge with a cry for mercy.  The judge replies “Granted” and picks up the pieces of my broken heart and restores it.  He lifts up my downcast spirit and sets me on a path to righteousness.

Something Positive

I was thinking the other day about the chains that go around Facebook. Most are sweet, some can be silly, and some serve a purpose such as breast cancer awareness. I thought it would be nice to start a chain that honored and built up marriages and families. So, here's one I thought up. List 10 things you really love about your husband/wife. Don't just list the superficial things but get deep...really honor them. Pass this along to your friends and see their answers! Here's my list....

1.) I love how everyone thinks by looking at him that he is intimidating but he is really a big teddy bear.
2.) I love that he never speaks a bad word about me to anyone.
3.) I love that he still wants to hold my hand when we walk after 22 years of marriage.
4.) I love that he thinks I'm sexy :)
5.) I love that he is my best friend and I am his. We talk to each other about everything.
6.) I love how he loves his children.
7.) I love that he goes to work every day and always provides for us.
8.) I love that he loves God and speaks truth to me even when I don't want to hear it :).
9.) I love that he challenges me to know why I believe what I believe in.
10.)I love that I never have to worry about infidelity, He is so totally loyal to me.

Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Now copy and re-post this with your answers...dont forget to tag me! I would love to see your answers <3

♥ Jim ♥

Friendship

I have a few friends who have been dealing with betrayal lately. Everyone always answers, " a good friend would not have done that" or "they must not have been your friend anyway." This is simply not true. Good friends will let you down. Good friends will hurt your feelings. Only a good friend could. Think about it. If they did not matter to you, how could they betray you?....you don't normally hold expectations of those you do not consider friends, other than common decency.
Jesus modeled for us the perfect life, in all aspects, including friendship. If we look at His model, He had a few close friends that He did daily life with, and that He entrusted with certain aspects of His life. This did not stop Him from reaching out to others who were hurting or in need. He ate with them and spent time with them, but He looked only to our Father for His comfort and strength. He knew men would betray Him, especially those he held closest to him. Judas led the temple guards to capture Jesus whichin turn led to His torture and crucifixion. Jesus called Peter His Rock, and Peter denied knowing Jesus 3 times because he was afraid to share in Jesus suffering.
We hold high expectations of our friends. We entrust them with much and hope that they won't hurt us. When we are hurt, we hold on to it for such a long time, and vow not to trust so much the next time. We harden out hearts just a little.
We need to guard our hearts from the beginning....not harden, just entrust them to God and even hide them in Him. If we entrust our hearts to Him, He will keep them safe. He will soften the blows when they come. He gives us the power to forgive. We should cherish the close friends we have and be quick to forgive. If we expect that they will hurt us at some point, and try to find compassion for the reason behind the perceived betrayal, we can forgive, completely.
There have been times that I felt betrayed. In particular there was one time I felt rocked on my heels by betrayal. I was hurt and angry; it was the worst kind of betrayal. I trusted someone with something very personal and it was displayed out through gossip and came back to me in a very hurtful way. I prayed that God would show me some redeeming value in this person so that I could forgive. He has always been faithful for that. He showed me the things He loves about that person. Although I do not know that I would ever trust this person in the same capacity, I have forgiven, completely forgiven them. I actually blame myself for putting such faith in a person to begin with. That faith belongs to God alone.
God has shown me that sometimes its not right that we put such expectations on others. We hold out our broken hearts and expect them to heal us, and when they dont have the power to make us feel better or sometimes even worse, they scoff at our pain, we feel betrayed....but are we really? Is it their place to fix our brokenness? If they do not respond the way we feel they should, is it their response or our expectations that betray us? Jesus foretold Peter's betrayal. He expected it, and forgave Peter and through Jesus forgiveness, Peter was restored.
Be encouraged. Hide your heart in God. Allow Him to be your comfort and strength. He will not betray you. He loves you like no person can. He forgives and has boundless compassion for you. He understands your innermost thoughts, even how those thoughts were formed. He knows the hurts in our lives that have shaped us, and uses them to heal us through helping others. He makes them purposeful!
Give your Heart to God...Find good friends to spend time with.....Be a good friend to others!

My "Apostrophe"

I had an “apostrophe” this morning while driving to work. (That was for you Lisa :) ) I like to drive with the radio off sometimes and it seems like when I do, my thoughts just wander to and fro. It drives my husband nuts when he is driving with me because I will have all these thoughts jumbling around in my head and then a question or remark comes out seemingly out of the blue (at least to him) and he’ll wonder “where did that come from?” I then connect the dots for him and it sounds something like this….”I saw that sign back there that made me think of this thing and then I thought about how this one time…and it reminded me of ….. Hence the question whatever happened to….?” But I digress….what hit me this morning was the true nature of the battle of sin.
Now here we go down the rabbit hole….I was praying and meditating a couple of weeks ago about what God wants me to do next. I really wanted to hear from Him and not take off in my own direction just for the sake of forward motion. I remembered this study I did with some friends a while back in 1st Samuel. At one point King Saul does not wait to hear from the Lord (through Samuel) and Samuel Rebukes him (Chapter 13). During this meditation, I heard God telling me to fast so that I can hear from Him. Now growing up Lutheran, fasting to me was what we did at Lent. We give up something that we like such as Chocolate for 40 days because Jesus fasted for 40 days, but I now know there has to be something more to this than my tradition, especially since God Himself is asking me to fast. What do I fast from? How long do I fast?
I decided to Google the key principals of fasting. I came upon several conflicting articles but then happened upon one from IHOP (the International House of Prayer), which is a source I am familiar with and trust. It was a great article with lots of good information, but the thing that stood out for me was from this paragraph:
“Fast and pray in order to humble yourself and purify your worship. In fasting we are not trying to get something from God, but seeking to realign our hearts’ affections with His. In fasting we can more readily say, “We love you, Lord, more than anything in the world.” Lust of any kind is perverted worship, but fasting enables us to cleanse the sanctuary of our hearts from every other rival.”
Fasting is a way to weaken or overcome our flesh nature while prayer and meditation during the fast strengthens our spirit.
Okay now back to this morning. I am driving in my car, and I am chewing on ice. For those who know me, you know that I do this ALL THE TIME. I have even broken teeth doing this, but yet because of my Anemia, it is one craving I cannot seem to get past. I was thinking about how even though I know this is bad for me; I desire it, so I do it. It is the same with certain foods (5 Guys Cheeseburgers come to mind). It got me thinking about what is sin in my life…….
Now on to my epiphany; We like to point at this or that and say to ourselves (and others) “that is sin.” In many cases we point to the 10 Commandments or some Mosaic Law, however, in Romans 7-8 Paul talks at great length about the struggle of sin and law. In verse 7:10 he writes “I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.” He goes on to write that the living by the law is good, but living by the Spirit is what we should do. We have been released from the condemnation of the law in order that we may live by the Spirit. The Spirit convicts us of sin in our lives. Sin is those things in our flesh nature that control us, addictions, cravings, secret desires. We may not even always act on them, but still allow them to control or dominate our thoughts. For me ICE IS SIN. <----My Epiphany! How many times have I said to others…”you can conquer this”…..”Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world”? Yet while saying it I was probably chomping away on my ice. Okay…I am not saying this in such a public place so that the next time you see me chomping away on ice you can point this out to me and “hold me accountable”, just merely to share my thoughts. I am human and I do struggle with (gasp) SIN. I can definitely tell you that ice and bad food is going to be a huge struggle for me and one I am going to have to ponder on for a bit to truly determine the severity of how I allow it to control me and how to conquer this.
I know this may sound silly to some, but sometimes I really feel I have to have ice, and depending upon the severity of my anemia, the cravings come and go. It has no benefit for anemia, but it is well documented.
Hopefully after reading this, you can better understand sin and how God calls us to live Holy complete lives free from this struggle. He gives us the strength and the tools to be “more than conquerors”. I also caution those who would point to sin in others lives and ask you to more closely examine your own. We should see the struggle and relate and feel compassion, for we too face this.
I said recently to a dear friend that I hope that I am never faced with the struggle she has because I am not so sure I would pass the test. Now that I fully realize my own struggle, I realize this is hard!! I totally relate. (Again, I know to some of you chewing ice and eating cheeseburgers seems like a silly struggle, but it’s mine and trust me when I say it is a HUGE one for me.)
I CAN conquer this and there is power in together. I’ll be there to hold your hand and I ask that you be there to hold mine too! I love you because He first loved me.
Your Sister in Christ Jesus
Laura

Expectations vs Expectancy

Those who know me well have probably heard me over and over again on this subject but I felt compelled to jot it down anyway. It started with a sermon that I heard from Pastor Greg at The Crossing, but has grown into somewhat of a personal montra.....LOL

John 6:1-2 Some time after this, Jesus crossed to the far shore of the Sea of Galilee (that is, the Sea of Tiberias), and a great crowd of people followed him because they saw the miraculous signs he had performed on the sick.

Throughout the New Testament we hear about Jesus drawing crowds and crowds following Him. They had seen or heard testimony of His teachings and the miracles He performed. In some cases they had also heard or seen the friction he was starting in the Jewish community especially among the Pharisees and Leaders.

John 11:45 - 48 Therefore many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, put their faith in him. But some of them went to the Pharisees and told them what Jesus had done. Then the chief priests and the Pharisees called a meeting of the Sanhedrin.
"What are we accomplishing?" they asked. "Here is this man performing many miraculous signs. If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and then the Romans will come and take away both our place and our nation."

John 12:42 - 43 Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.

We know they followed because of the things they had witnessed, but what about their future? What expectations did they have? Could they possibly know what the future held? There had to be an air of uncertainty among His followers. He did not play by the rules set forth by earthly leaders, and He certainly was NOT predictable, yet they followed. Some of them even faced persecution and they followed.

We often times look to God with expectation. We pray for God to heal this person, or to mend this relationship or to grant us something we feel we need. The problem with this expectation is that often we can miss what God has in store for us because we are so focused on our expectation.

When the Israelites cried out to God in Egypt for Him to save them from their captors, He sent Moses. Moses wasn’t at all what they were expecting, in fact at one point they rejected him and asked him to leave them so they could remain in captivity.

Exodus 14:10 - 12 As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"

This happened directly before God parted the waters for them and delivered them from their enemy FOR GOOD. The Pharaoh and his armies were completely destroyed. The Israelites never had to look over their shoulder wondering when Pharaoh would catch up to them. God had a plan greater than anything they ever anticipated.

In this same way they rejected Jesus…

John 7:42 Still others asked, "How can the Christ come from Galilee? Does not the Scripture say that the Christ will come from David's family and from Bethlehem, the town where David lived?"

We look to God with our earthly expectations. God sees a perfect picture. One not clouded by judgment or by limits. He can do things for us that we cannot even fathom. He can open doors we consider locked.

Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

This is the difference between expectation and expectancy…..We know that God loves us. We know that He will work all things to the good of those who love Him. We know he wants to prosper us and not to harm us. We know that He is all powerful. Look to Him with expectancy, not expectation. We need to stop expecting our version of what we see to be the answer to our troubles and be open to a greater vision. We may be praying for a change in others, when it is us that He wants to grow. (I find that often to be the case with me at least.) We need to stop sitting in the church thinking, “boy, I wish _____ were here to hear this message” and listen to what God has in store for us. We do not know that the future holds when we follow Him, but we do know it’s going to be good!

1 Corinthians 2:9 However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.

Sharing my quiet time.

Father, I give all praise to You who lovingly created me. I dedicate my life to You! Your perfect love holds my foot to Your path. Where can I look but to You? Who can I follow but You? You are God, my God, and You breathed the breath of life into me! What beautiful tasks you place before me. You are so high and exalted. You see the things that I cannot. Your purpose for my life amazes and inspires me. You are my everpresent help in times of need. You go before me and prepare the way. What a beautiful thing it is to be created to serve You!

Psalm 94:18
When I said, "My foot is slipping,"
Your love, O LORD, supported me.

<3Created by God's own hand♥