Our Adoption Story

It has been over 3 years since Jim and I started the adoption process and now that it is finalized I thought I would share the journey with you and hopefully you can see as we did, that God clearly orchestrated this adoption.

Our decision to adopt a child came from my overwhelming desire to become amissionary in Africa. Jim however did not share this desire. God gave him another vision...one closer to home. Jim taught me that we can either help a bunch of children by doing what we could for each child or we could give one child a whole new world. Not that I want to stop at one child mind you..lol. Now this vision requires a LIFETIME commitment, and there is no stepping down from this role. It is a scary endeavor but one that God clearly placed on both of our hearts.

With this agreement, we started out with the State Adoption Agency, HKI. We had heard that one of the children that we used to babysit from time to time was available for adoption and started this process with him in mind. We attended an orientation and 10 weeks of MAP (model approach to parenting) classes. These classes required that we drop out of a 3 year in depth course that we were attending at church that we both absolutely LOVED. This was a small sacrifice and we really felt God directing us so we happily moved along the adoption path. We were a couple of weeks into the MAP classes when they told us that the child we wanted to adopt had a nephew and that they wanted to be adopted together. We agreed to adopt both boys. The boy we had babysat for had just turned 13 and his nephew was 9. We were so excited at this prospect.

We finished the MAP class and had eagerly awaited the next step…The Home Study. During the wait there were background checks, references and multitudes of paperwork to be completed. We had gone into this with our hearts and home wide open when we hit our first stumbling block. Our background check came back and we were denied. To explain this I have to let you know that before havoing a personal relationship with Christ, our family life was chaotic. We had an incident when one of our kids was younger in which I spanked my child with a belt. I am not proud that I had resorted to this, but at the time I was at a loss for what to do and spanking was what we were taught to do with a willful child. My son told the school counselor, and she called DCF. The Investigator from DCF made his own allegations and we had our son removed from our home for a weekend until he saw a forensic doctor. The doctor had cleared us of all abuse allegations or so we thought. We didn’t know until this FBI screening that although I had never been charged with anything, I hadn’t been fully cleared either. Because there was an abuse allegation we were flat out ineligible.

We were told that we could appeal through the Adoption Review Committee, however, that was a long and drawn out process and the outcome was almost never favorable. We asked God, and again felt strongly the urge to continue so we decided to appeal. We went to Pre-ARC (Adoption Review Committee) and through much debate they allowed us to continue but on a very guarded basis. It would be up to the boy’s case manager to meet us and decide and up to our Home Study, after which we would have to come back for a full blown ARC before we were allowed to see the boys. The Security Director (that’s at least who I was told he was) eyed us as if we were Satan himself during the
Pre-ARC. We couldn’t understand their “anger” towards us; certainly we weren’t the first parents that had spanked their child. After the Pre-ARC we were handed what the initial investigators allegations were, the first time we had ever seen them. He accused us of battery, he documented over 50 scars and bruises, including “cigarette burns”. We didn’t even smoke! I then recalled the school resource officer speaking with Jim and I back when this happened. He told us that the DCF worker was making some wild accusations and that he had taken his own pictures because he did not agree with his findings. The sad part is that since this never went anywhere…there was no way to clear my name…we just had to get them to know us, as we are. In the middle of all of this, our case manager decided to quit and pursue missionary work in Africa (kind of ironic). We were left with no one to handle our case in this difficult time. We were pushed to the bottom of the barrel.

Months went by. We had no contact and were becoming quite frustrated. No one was returning our calls and we had all but decided to give this up. We then received a phone call out of the blue from a young new case manager who had just received our case. Her name was Nina. She was calling to arrange a meeting. She wanted to meet and get acquainted with us. When she met with us, we realized shortly after she arrived that we knew her. She had been a cheerleader while our son was playing football and was familiar with us as a family. Finally out of what seemed to be a hopeless situation, we saw a glimmer of hope; a door opening. She was arranging our home study and had scheduled it for a Monday morning.

Monday morning came and went and no Nina. She called us later that afternoon to let us know that there had been a major overhaul of the Adoption Care system and she had turned in her notice. She said that once the dust settled we would be assigned a new case manager. Door closed. We were disheartened once again.

More months go by. We get an e-mail from Camelot, the adoption agency. They have taken over all adoptions for Hillsborough County and were arranging a meeting with all prospective adoptive parents so that they could be introduced to their new case managers. We show up at the meeting with about 150 others to learn that they have 3 case managers for all of Hillsborough County and have divided us up equally amongst them. We met our new case manager who immediately told us that she was still carrying her old caseload and wouldn’t even begin to look at her new cases until after she was able to complete transitioning her hold cases which could take up to 3 months.
We spoke with the supervisor….because ours was “such a difficult case” we were low priority. More months go by. This time we continued to call and request our home study. I guess we got through to them because they contracted a 3rd party to complete the home study for us. They approved us pending the findings of the ARC. So now we get to schedule the ARC; a step forward.

We schedule the ARC. We asked our son to come with us to answer to the allegations that the investigator made. We were told that they would probably not allow him to speak as they had only recently started allowing the parents themselves into the ARC meetings, but we remained hopeful. We show up at the ARC. Our case manager had scheduled the day off without telling anyone involved in the ARC. The committee called us into the room to tell us that they were re-scheduling because our representation was not there. They only allowed my son in the room because they were dismissing us that day and were not going to speak with us. The person in charge set about the task of re-scheduling. While working out a date, one of the other state representatives in the room asked who we had brought with us. When we explained that it was our son, the one in the allegations; she decided that even though they were re-scheduling she would like to hear what he had to say. My son spoke so eloquently. He explained the whole situation. He told them he had no idea where the investigator had come up with such things. We were and still are so very proud of him! After he spoke, the person running the meeting had continued to re-schedule us when the person who requested my son to speak asked if we could excuse ourselves so that they could discuss it; door opening??? We sat outside for what seemed like an eternity….they called us back in the room. Despite the fact that our representation was not there and they weren’t supposed to speak with us…despite the fact that they weren’t even supposed allow our son in the room…they had cleared us, and not just cleared us for this adoption…they had exonerated us from the allegation, my record restored. I was reminded of how God delivered the Isrealites from Egypt. He deliverd them COMPLETELY.... He did not just remove them from the situation...he removed the situation.

A few days after this meeting we were told that the older boy, the one we had babysat for in the past, had decided he did not want to be adopted. They had separated the two boys in the system and had decided to adopt them out separately. They asked if we wished to proceed with Yohance. We agreed. We were officially “matched”. After match came the disclosure. We heard the whole truth behind the boys past. For our son, 10 placements in 7 years, 2 failed attempts at adoption, some serious stuff. The state had all but given up on finding him a “Forever Family”. We were told by someone familiar with him that “you don’t want to adopt that kid.” Right then and there we knew he needed US. There is NO SUCH THING AS A THROW AWAY KID!! He needed a family that had been through the
ringer and still came out loving; a family that could show him the unconditional love that God has for him. Still he had some history and was living in a group home. Group home to adoption home, we have been told, is by far the hardest transition for a child. In a group home they concentrate on maintaining a child’s behavior. There is not a loving family environment. No hugs or kisses. No unconditional anything. Children are institutionalized.

We met Yohance at the group homes annual Christmas Pageant. He did not know who we were to him. His staff had explained that we were “friends” and they asked him to show us around. By chance his uncle, the boy we babysat for, was there. He recognized us. We sat with the two of them and ate some of the refreshments while talking. We found out that Yohance liked Air Jordan and we arranged to bring him some Christmas presents. We bought him some gifts and brought them back the following week.

The first few visits were rocky. They were on campus and supervised by Yohance’s student intern therapist. The therapist was convinced that Yohance was doing well in the group home and that he was “not ready” for adoptive placement. He had worked with his supervisor to try to override the normal state policy of 3 supervised on campus visits to extend them out over 16 weeks with family therapy. We were furious. Yohance obviously hated these visits and was extremely uncomfortable being closed in a room with 3 adults staring at him expecting him to bond. We knew our only chance to bond would be to get him out and have some fun with him. The group home fought us. I contacted our local congresswoman’s office, but I think Yohance’s case manager got to them first. I am not sure exactly what happened next, but the group home suddenly reconsidered their plan and decided it was in there best interest not to provide family therapy and we could continue with the State’s plan.

We had our 3 on campus visits, and our off campus supervised visit. On the off campus visit Yohance and his case manager and his family met us at MOSI. After a few hours Yohance wanted us to take him by himself somewhere. The case manager agreed and we took him to the mall. We bought him some things for his skateboard and took him to dinner at Crazy Buffet. Now by normal state practice we would have only needed to have a couple of these visits and an overnight and then he could come home with us, but because he had so many placements and had such a hard time trusting we agreed with the state to take our time.

We continued to visit with him picking him up every Friday and returning him every Sunday. We had him every holiday and had him over spring break. At first he did not trust us. He did not make eye contact and was in it for everything he could get. He was not sure he wanted to stay and if we did not meet his every demand he would threaten us with “I won’t come back next week.” We would ignore his threat and he would call us by Wed. wanting to know when we were coming to get him. The whole time we were fighting an uphill battle with his counselor at the group home who was still convinced that they were the better solution for our son. I can recall many a heated phone conversation. They would not share information with us, and we were very frustrated trying to control the behaviors without their support.

Sylvia Thomas Center stepped in. They told us of some funding that was available to us to help with transition. The state contracted for a behavioral analyst. We scheduled our first visit with him shortly after spring break.

During spring break Jim’s mom was visiting so we decided to take her and the kids to a resort in Orlando near Downtown Disney. I think we tried to do too much too soon. Yohance behaved terribly. We ended the trip early just so we could get him home and stable. When we returned home we had a total meltdown. It was bad. We could see him spiraling out of control and there was nothing we could do to stop it. He was convinced we did not want him. We were overwhelmed. We showed up at the Sylvia Thomas Center with him in tow. I was in tears. Sharon, a counselor there, talked to us and let us know it was all going to be okay. She gave us comfort and asked us to bring him to the picnic they were having later that afternoon so we could get a break. We took him home to change clothes. He melted down again. He refused to go anywhere. . He packed his stuff several times. He screamed and threatened. He blew up and threw things. He wanted to call his case manager so we handed him the phone.  His case manager came immediately over. At this point we weren’t sure if we could continue. After talking for a bit we decided to let his case manager take him for a few hours while we got some rest. When he brought him back, Yohance was noticeably scared. We could see that he so wanted to stay, but he just knew we didn’t want him. We asked his case manager to leave him with us. The rest of the week was like a minefield, we all tiptoed around each other just trying to keep from setting him off. I am sure when we returned him that Sunday he thought we would never come back. We did, the very next weekend.

During this time, the Sylvia Thomas Center continued to provide support for Jim and I. I remember telling Kevin, another counselor there, that I was not sure if we could do this…If we were the right parents for Yohance. I’ll never forget what he said…You CAN do this. You HAVE TO. There IS NO ONE ELSE. It is okay to make mistakes….I give you permission. He told me that God would see us through…..He quoted scripture…James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

The Behavioral Analyst came. It went so well. He was a Christian and a wonderful counselor. He also gave us James 1:27. He gave us some pointers and let us know what we could be doing better. He worked with us and Yohance and gave us all some tools that we still use with him today. The visits got much better. We passed the test. We did not abandon Yohance.

We continued on like this until June 10th when he moved in with us permanently. We had only had one or two minor incidents during this time. We came to love him more and more each day and we could tell he loves us back. Once he moved in with us he had to remain with us for 90 days until we could finalize the adoption. During these 90 days, his demeanor changed so much. He was happier, he was more confident, he was loved…unconditionally.

The finalization took place Sept. 12th. Yohance is now 11. We are now his “Forever Family” and he is our son. We could not be happier! I also want to add that the day after our finalization, the 3 year course that we had to drop out of started over again. We are picking up right where we left off J. ALL GLORY BE TO GOD!!!!

May 2nd

I was nervous yesterday....flying into DC the day after it was announced that Osama had been killed and everyone talking about heightened security in fear of retaliation. I got to see this security first hand in the airports and on the streets here in DC. It sure didnt help that I was walking into a less than ideal situation with less than 3 hours sleep and was prepared for the worst.
I say all this to testify to how great our God is. He showed up for me in big ways yesterday.
 I was rushing to the airport and had to stop at Kinkos on the way. The clerk processed my job in less than 5 minutes. (that never happens). This was great because when I got to the airport the security line wrapped around two trams! I got though to board in plenty of time :). The flight was quick and uneventful and we even arrived 20 minutes early!
My car was waiting (thanks Sandra). I got through DC with little traffic and arrived at my destination more than an hour early. No traffic in DC is unheard of! I had plenty of time to accomplish what I needed to get done and training went well which again was a blessing because it could have gone so badly.
After my workday I  headed to my hotel. My client booked me in what they thought was the Hilton Homewood suites...it actually turned out to be a Homestead Suites on the same road. When I got there they didnt have the room I requested so i called hotels.com and I received a full refund (this was against their policy but they granted it because the hotel called them to say if they didnt charge me they wouldnt charge them.) This was great because I could not have stayed there...it was NASTY.
This left me with no hotel room. I stayed on the phone with a wonderful man named Carlos from Hotels.com while he searched for a room. All the hotels he checked were either way to pricey or were booked solid. After about an hour my phone was dying so i said goodbye and thank you to Carlos as he wished me luck.
With no access to a phone or Internet, I decided to drive around from hotel to hotel. Unfortunately I didnt have any luck there either.
I had almost resigned myself to sleeping in the car and started praying. Just then I happened upon a Panera that was boasting free Internet. I went in and each booth had its own outlet, so I plugged in my laptop. Within moments I found a hotel..a nice one and in the right price range. When I arrived I found it was only 4 miles from where I am working! I got a good nights sleep and the day ended very well. God is so very very good to me!!

Outside-in

From the outside,

I can see clearly

I can judge the situation

I can tell right and wrong…

Just let me show you.

On the inside,

My view is obscured,

My judgment is cloudy

I can no longer see right and wrong…

Just let me hold you.

My Thoughts on a Godly Marriage

 Recently in conversation the topic of a women’s role and man’s role in a Christian household has come up several times.  Men and women understandably have very different views on this topic. After years of media and society undermining mans role, Christian men are taking a stance.  While I whole-heartedly support my Christian Brethren I have witnessed in some cases it is being taken to the opposite extreme instead of seeking balance causing feelings of oppression and rebellion.

   I recognize my husband as my covering and absolutely love this.  I love when he steps up to make godly decisions for our family. The struggle comes when women begin feeling oppressed by this assertion and begin to become resentful of their husbands authority and in some cases rebel against it.   Oppression almost always breeds rebellion. Wives must recognize that feeling of oppression and guard themselves against it.  Now as I mentioned above, I am not saying that some of these feelings are not entirely unwarranted.   Just as women should to recognize that their husband is their spiritual covering, men should recognize that this authority comes with great responsibility.  Men need to recognize that their wife needs to feel secure under their covering.  Their covering over us is only as good as their willingness to follow Christ.  For example….if you are holding an umbrella for your wife, but you have holes in your umbrella (caused by allowing corrosive materials under that covering) ….you BOTH are going to get wet.

“Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11)

   As we strive to mature spiritually we as women can sometimes feel oppressed when we rightly or wrongly view our husbands as not striving on the same level or succumbing to sin. Scripture states that we are to win our husbands over with our submission.  Their conviction comes in your submission.  Our job as their “ezer kenegdo*” is to continue to bless them and pray for them and to work alongside of them.  We should NOT challenge them and their role in our lives.

 “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of the wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Peter 3:1-2).

   

     We are equal partners in this struggle with equally important roles.  My prayer is that we learn to accept what each of us brings to the table and that we allow the beauty of God’s plan for marriage to emanate from our lives.  Through our willingness to submit to God and one another, we show the world God’s true glory!

[Instructions for Christian Households] “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)

  

* “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen. 2:18 Alter). 

The Hebrew word ezer meaning "to rescue, to save," "to be strong.".  The Hebrew word kenegdo meaning “corresponding to”, “counterpart to”, “equal to”, “matching”.